Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

HA!

Gotcha.

We're not talkin' about sex today.  I totally just took advantage of your baser natural instincts.  :-)  Please forgive me, I mean no harm.  I love you.  Yes... YOU.

You are thinking, maybe, "Charles means that he loves the followers of his blog, or his friends, or his family, but not me, because I am none of those things..."

...or "not me, because Charles doesn't believe in government and I work for a government institution or believe 100% in government,"

...or "not me, because I believe that 'world peace' is a pipe dream and an exercise in mental masturbation, while Charles resolutely believes that it is almost immediately within our grasp,"

...or "not me, because Charles is a dick hole and I hate him and he hates me."

You may even be thinking I might not love you, specifically, because I have previously been such a jerk about stuff like the tight pants you may or may not be wearing, the "Ugg" brand boots you may or may not be wearing, the homeopathic medicine you may or may not be taking, or the shitty John Travolta movies you may or may not be watching.

Allow me to re-explain: I have dropped the hate, and I LOVE YOU!  If we had beef in the past and you have wronged me, I love you.  If we had beef and I wronged you, I love you.  If you believe in things I don't, like homeopathy, or catastrophic anthropogenic global climate change, or "Snooki," that is OKAY!  I love you and have no energy on any of that stuff.  At least not any energy that would keep me from talking to you about your life.  Or my life.  Or whatever.  :-)

Anyway, enough of that long and ramblingly incoherent intro.  I'm sure you're about ready to click back to your Facebook or Twitter tab.  Stay for just a second?

I have a surprise to share with y'all!

I got "Blog Of Noted!"  AGAIN!

For those unfamiliar, a "Blog of Note" is like a public nod of the head by the staff who work at Blogger to blogs that they find interesting or cute or cool or whatever.  Hopefully I am all of those. ;-)

The new Blog of Note site looks all cool and stuff.... here's what it looked like:

I guess I should have anticipated that this is the goofy picture that would come to represent me on this "Blog of Note."

I got "Blog of Noted," or "BONed," as we used to say, on October 12.  I didn't realize it until last night when a trusted internet buddy tweeted the news.  Here's what that looked like:

Justin's keepin' an eye on the internet for all of us. :-)

So first off I wanna plug Justin and his blog.  It can be found here.  I confess that I haven't been to his blog in a while.  It looks totally different now (and way cooler, IMHO) than it did the last time I was there.  Also, in the obligatory confessional fashion, I will say that my dorky avatar did not appear on his "followers" list at the time of this writing.  I had been following him for some time. Then I un-followed a bunch of folks at one point 'cause my blog feed was becoming overwhelming, and he may have fallen prey to an accidental un-follow in the midst of my frenzied clicking.  Luckily, I've stayed in contact with him on Twitter, where he is a staple of my tweet stream.  I once indicated to him that it was comforting to know that he was always just "out there," and that he had a kind of calming omnipresence online.  I re-assert that firmly now.  You guys should check him out.

As far as my blog feed: I rarely look at it now because I'm so distracted by direct interaction with people online.  But, again, if you are blogging and want me looking directly at what you blog, mention it to me via twitter, e-mail or Facebook.  

I felt bad that the post that people have been seeing since I got "BONed" again was a long, text-heavy post that was spiritual and philosophical in nature (bordering on boring).  I kinda wish that all those new people who clicked over to my blog that day would have seen something a little sillier.  So I'm gonna attempt to lay some silliness on you now. I am focused on the nukes and on peace and love.  But I still get my silly on.  Regularly.  Take the following for example:

HAT! (and scarf):

I have a friend in Cali (she is one of my best friends EVER) and she took the time to make me the coolest thing.  A matching scarf and hat.  In bright fun colors.  With fun stars on the front.  The scarf is of a perfect scarf length (I hate when scarves are too short) and the hat is perfectly in proportion with my watermelon-sized-dome.  Here are some pics, displaying awesome craftswomanship and me being... well... me.

I'm a serious fuckin' man.

Serious men need serious hats. And scarves.

Thank you Sarah for this awesome gift.  I still can hardly believe you made these yourself.  I couldn't make something like this in a million years... not even with a trained army of knitting monkeys.

Nails!:

Ok, another silly thing: I have been saving my toe and finger nail clippings for a long time.  Here's the pile so far:

This is just a few years worth.  I wish I had all of the ones I threw out from my whole life.  I feel like I wasted so many!

Some of you may find this to be disgusting.  If you find this gross, than you are going to hate the day I finish my self made "pube-fur-coat."  That is going to be a weird post.  Anyway, the pile of nail clippings smells like death.  I offered them to my sister for her birthday.  She said I could make a Zen Rock Garden using them as the sand.  That sounds like a pretty good idea.  Do you all have any ideas?

Testicles and Underwear!:

Onto the next thing: a little something about my testes.  You see, friends, I have not been wearing underwear for several years.  I don't know if I have mentioned that on the blog before.  But it's absolutely true: I don't wear underwear.  I think I have a pair or two of boxers in my dresser drawer, but those boxers no longer fit me properly.  They are super old and probably full of moths and whatnot.  

I stopped wearing undies because I had a sponsor in the 12-Step-Fellowship that didn't wear them and recommended that I give it a try.  I tried it and loved it and never went back.  I didn't just learn spiritual stuff from my time in the 12-Step rooms!  Actually... maybe the non-underwear thing is kinda spiritual. You tell me?

Anyway, I have run into a problem: I have been riding my bike around a lot lately, and this bike riding has given rise to the following issue:

I keep wrenching and twisting and pinching the hell out of my nuts because they both sag to the sides of the bike seat like a couple of eggs hanging onto a wall by a nail!  It HURTS! >:-(

It's about like this...

So I'm considering, with a heavy heart, getting a pair of underwear of some kind.  Not sure what kind to get, but the idea in my head is that I will go from the above drawing, which indicates a nightmarish hell-pain that I previously only thought existed in fantasy, to something like this:

You see how nicely those bastards are cradled there? Just as two perfect, unbroken ostrich eggs cupped in, and held aloft gently by, the soft hands of Lady Gaga herself (which would be my TRUE ideal...)

So I need y'all to help me pick.

Which undies should I get?

Option 1

These look comfy and minimalist....

 Option 2

I really like the print on these ones. *Grooowwwwllll*

Option 3

These are a little conservative for my taste... but some ladies are into that, right? Also, I look RIPPED in this photo.

Option 4

I ate McDonalds on the day I tried these ones out.  I wore them onto the soccer field to burn off those Double Quarter Pounders.  These work well...

So you must all vote.  I need your help on this.  I can't solve my crushed-nut-bike-problem without you!

Vote in the comments section.  Then Facebook friend me, tweet @alkalibloo to get in touch with me instantly, or e-mail me at alkalibloo@gmail.com.  I want to talk to you!  About underwear or philosophy or world peace or any other thing!  Thank you to "brett" at Google or Blogger or wherever he works for selecting me as a Blog of Note again! You rule, sir!  And so does everyone else reading this.  If you are interested in more serious matters, peep my last few blog posts.  You will find me discussing things that are very personal and very serious.  There will be more silliness and more seriousness to come.  I wish peace and prosperity and health upon you all.  

LOVE!