This IS What I Meant to Say...

This blog is only about the audio files (really one long file chopped into smaller tracks) at the bottom.  If you need any help getting the files and listening to them in the way that you would like to, please e-mail me or Tweet me.  E-mail = alkalibloo@gmail.com Twitter = @alkalibloo.  I can walk you through anything you need, even if we have to do it by phone.  I really want this to be heard.

I recorded this this morning around five o'clock.

I had not slept to that point.  I got a couple minutes of sleep before my class though, so not to worry.

I hope this will give you some idea of why I didn't sleep and why I may seem to be a completely different person than I may have seemed to be in the past.  If you have just come to know me recently, I am certain that you will dig this.  And I am digging your presence in my life.  Truly.

I worry about the people who have known me for a long time.  I feel an uncomfortable distance between myself and some of those people, but feel that I am imposing myself unduly by broaching that distance... yikes.  Anyone have advice on that?

Sharing this is very very difficult for me.  More so now that I am about to hit "publish" than it seemed last night.  Despite my confidence in life and love and in myself and in humanity, I remain afraid that I will be misunderstood, or that someone who finds themselves at a point of contention with me will continue to distance themselves from me, using this as further evidence that I have gone off of the deep end.

I am completely sane.  I see a therapist who knows what is going on with me and would verify my sanity to the fullest extent that she can professionally. I must note that I am seeing the therapist for reasons other than actually needing the attention of a therapist.

I am not using drugs or alcohol.

I am full of food today, so don't worry about that either.  The portion of the audio file where I talk about my eating habits may alarm those who care about my health.  I will eat.  I will sustain myself.  I promise.

I am healthy and prepared to move forward into this world as far as it will let me.  I feel as though I have stood where I stand now for far too long.

This audio lasts a long time.  You can download it and put it on your MP3 player, or burn it to a disc to take in your car.  You can stream it straight off the internet.  Optimally, in my mind, you would be in a comfortable chair or on a comfy couch in a blanket with your favorite quiet time indulgence nearby when you listen to it.  A glass of iced tea.  A latte.  A cigarette.  A joint.  A bottle of beer that you brewed yourself.  Whatever it is that puts you into that beautiful space where you can just... sit.

I don't actually know if I expect anyone to listen to this in its entirety.  I had no idea how long it was until I finished recording.  I speak very slowly because I felt intensely about selecting each word properly.  I am not as good at speaking as I am writing, though, and I misspeak in a couple of places.  But this thing begged to be spoken, even after I tried to write it, for some reason.

Please... if you listen to this, please respond to me.  Please tell me what you think.  I don't care about "followers" on this blog or on Twitter.  I don't care about the number of friends I have on Facebook, but only that they are my friends.  Respond via any medium except ESP.  My brain is not that awake yet.  My preference, in reality, were it possible, would be to sit face to face with each and every person who digs this enough to listen to it to the end.  And to make them a meal.

Blogger is a means to an end.  I do not particularly care about this blog as an independent concept.  It is just a tool which allows me to reach directly out to you all.

If I have missed you somehow, in any way, please contact me and tell me how.  If you have a deep or hilarious blog that I need to look at and put on my newly updated "links" list, please tell me directly.  I am no longer easily capable of following so many peoples' blogs on my own, but instead have been asking people to bring themselves directly to my attention if I am not giving enough of myself to them.  Because anyone who wants a piece of me is welcome to it.  Anyone!

If you are family... if we share blood... I need you.  I want you closest to me.  I apologize if I've done anything to force you away.  I love you infinitely.

If anyone thinks anything about anything in this... it is my deepest desire right now to hear it.  My heart and soul kinda went into this.  My balls are out.  This feels really really real.

I will reiterate this again and again and again: I do not feel as though I have arrived.  I don't feel as though I have transcended anything more than my own self-hatred.  I am just a man trying to do right by those that love him and have forgiven him for his terrible folly.  I owe everyone, in that sense.

I love you all so much.  I will post a funny blog about applying some kind of weird product to my testicles soon.  Maybe mayonnaise? 

Oh... and if you dig this... truly... would you show it to a friend?

Thank you all.

This IS What I Meant to Say by Charles Emerson III