We ought never not be floored by how much things can change, and how quickly that change can happen.
I am in a somewhat introspective mood, and have not been blogging of late for myriad reasons. Frankly, I have felt somewhat disillusioned by the whole blogging process lately, although that cannot be said to be the primary reason for which I haven't posted in some time. It is the reason I wish to briefly discuss though.
I am disillusioned by my growing perception that the blogosphere is not a place where I can simultaneously be myself and "blog successful," or "blog-ccessful," as I like to call it. I think, or hope, at least, that this perception is a fallacy to a great extent. But still, gut perception is hard to shake, you know?
Perhaps I just find it frightening to really "be myself," when I feel as though I am being evaluated or judged... or something. Bear with me on this...
Being more "myself" would probably involve a lot less trying to make people laugh, and a lot more trying to make people think, and trying to synthesize new understanding from the thoughts reciprocated toward me. I know for sure that the majority of my readers are intelligent enough to handle pretty much whatever I lay down here. I know that at an intellectual level, at least. But at an intestinal level, due to some combination of narcissism, paranoia about people's disapproval of me, and some grotesque urge to please others in the stead of my ability to please myself, I feel compelled to be un-serious. Constantly compelled to play the clown.
I like the clown role. I illustrated myself in that role sometime back in a blog. It looked like this:
I don't have those shoes anymore, but I still wear these pants every "Emo-Fuck-Tard-Wednesday."
The majority of the blogosphere, at least the non-political or non-quasi-journalistic blogosphere, seems to be filled with clowns such as myself. Clowns, or people who know an incredible amount about how to cook or about fashion. Not surprisingly, a lot of what is meant to be funny in the 'sphere is not even remotely humorous (this applies to my blog at least as much as it does to anyone else's, as I am sure you are all aware.) It's a weird thing to think that all these people are out there, most of them making no money for their efforts, just trying to make other people laugh or trying to single out others who share their fashion taste for no real discernable reason. I guess it is an incredible testament to the social qualities of the animals that we are.
Although it is all weird, and although I am currently rethinking the whole thing, the truth is still that I like to make strangers on the internet laugh and smile. I've liked it ever since I was a young boy of ten years old, when I would meet many strangers that I met online. I never knew how many men in the world liked to hang out with ten year olds and drove vans (like the following,) until we got our first internet connection.
Usually, there really was some candy involved. But believe you me, I learned the true meaning of the phrase "nothing in life is free." Frankly, and in retrospect, I think I was paying too much for those Zots.
I suppose I just become concerned that "In Review" undermines my ability to write in a more serious way, sometimes. Certainly, much of my blogging is not done at my full potential as a writer or an aspiring intellectual. But, despite the fact that I seem crass and can come across as un-insightful, rude or even ignorant because of it at times, I find it hard to get away from writing the funny shit because of my various neuroses and my repugnant need to be accepted and liked.
I kind of hate myself for all of this.
The truth is, though, that I feel better when I am blogging. I experience some kind of mental purge when I do it. Occasionally, the purge tumbles into the realm of the emotional, even. It is a cleansing process, and I suppose it has been so since the very beginning, even when the only people reading it were my girlfriend and my patient and loving family. So, taking all of this into account, I am going to press on forward here. Consider yourselves warned that I may (or may not) be hitting you guys with some more serious topics in the future, to sate this nagging feeling that I have been experiencing. But I don't even have to promise to try to make you laugh once in a while. It's in my blood to be obscene in an attempt to hear (or read) that most beautiful of human sounds: the "LOL."
So here we go.
First, today I'm putting up a new visual art piece. Understand that this one is very hard for me to even post, because it is a tracing that I personally made. I am highly embarrassed of my terrible skills as a drawer. I can draw stupid cartoons and shit, no problem. But I can't draw anything beautiful. I was discussing this with Jera, who can draw tremendously well, as some of you may know. She recommended that I do some tracing, if I wanted to get better at drawing. Since she is the resident expert here at nuestra casa, I took her word for it, got a book of tracing paper, and started tracing some stuff.
I feel childish doing it, but when I get done tracing something, I do feel somewhat accomplished, despite the fact that what I am doing is not an act of creativity, but merely an act of practice. Also, Jera is really kind and supportive. She tells me the tracings look awesome and that I am really good at it, even when they look like used toilet paper as opposed to used tracing paper.
So here is a tracing I did.
Porsche Tracing
Alright. There. That wasn't so hard. Now hopefully none of you will overtly mock me for that in the comments section. If you do, I will burn the bottom of my feet on my stove.
The other thing I want to share with you is this awesome thing I got. I mean... really awesome. Not long ago, I was able to pick up a 1952 Royal Quiet Deluxe typewriter, in practically perfect condition, for $3 at a little garage sale. Here are some pictures of this bad boy:
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Isn't that awesome!?!
It bears mentioning that Jera snapped the actual photos there, but I am the one that fucked them up in Photoshop.
This typewriter has quickly become my best inanimate friend, easily overtaking my previous best inanimate friend, my signed photo of Ronald Reagan.
I construct and knock down a little Lego Berlin Wall in sight of the photo every night in honor of the Gipper. I have to do it every night, 'cause he never remembers the event from the night previous.
But I digress...
I have been writing a lot more poetry lately, I think partially because of the physical presence of the typewriter. Having it here in the apartment constantly reminds me of this thing that I want to be. Blank paper can be hidden in notebooks or in desk drawers, but this typewriter sits out in the open, flagging me down every time I walk by it, begging to be used. The feel of an old-style-typewriter took a while for me to get used to (I had never used a functioning one before,) but now I certainly prefer it for writing poetry over any other medium. I haven't abandoned my Moleskine book, simply because I have to have some way to write when I am away from the typewriter. At home, though, I find myself using the Royal almost exclusively.
The sound and the tactile response and even the smell (of the ink and the rubber on the platten and of the oil on the Royal's parts) all create this really transcendental experience for me and I feel infinitely closer to my own words and to all my heros who never had the luxury (or handicap) of typing a fucking single letter on a "MacBook."
So I have a couple of the poems that I composed on the typewriter for you all to read. I know that, for some of you, poetry isn't your thing, and you would rather hear a story about me pulling hit-and-runs, or having the runs, or squeezing a nun's buns for.... funs? But today, I am going out on a limb and saying "fuck it." I am feeling the way I am feeling about the blog for a reason, I think. I am going to follow my instinct, and leave you with what I have created. Better for me to let you decide what you do or don't like, than for me to presume what you do or don't like and deprive you of that right.
I hope all is well with everybody. Please, really, tell me what you think about my blogging dilemma, my tracing, my poems, my typewriter, or anything else. I'm feeling deep, now, and I am not sure how long it will last, but if you wanna go deep, then hit me with some heavy heavy shit. Anything. For rizzle.
Here you go:
Hammers
© 2011 Charles M Emerson III
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State Hospital Siren
© 2011 Charles M Emerson III
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Pretty Exclusive
© 2011 Charles M Emerson III
Love.
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25 comments:
Sorry I have to be in the mood for poetry, but I don't want to discourage you. I just have one piece of advice for the moment. DON'T start collecting the typewriters. One is plenty, because you start running out of places to put them, and you start stubbing toes on them. And they collect all these dust bunnies and you can't really write anything substantial on them, because you still have to retype it on the computer anyway.
Oh, wait I have one more piece of advice. It's only when you stop caring about what other people think that you find your true voice. :0)
I particularly like the Hammers poem.
Your tracing is really good and Jera was right, it's the best way to enhance your drawing skills. After you get the tracing down to a science then use a picture of something small and put it next to a drawing pad and start drawing it one little section at a time...don't do a picture of a person because that is the hardest...also maybe use a black and white to master the skill of shading. I used to draw all the time but never free-hand, always had to have a picture of whatever it was I was drawing but I always felt proud of the end result. Also the typewriter would make me crazy if I made a mistake and had to start over but I like it...adds a certain classic feel to your poetry. Love your blog, as usual.
I'm a fan of the tracing. I don't draw. Or trace. It's just not my thing.
I love your poetry, seriously. I hope you'll post more in the future, because it's really fantastic. Not kidding. Am I the only one who could actually SMELL the ink of the typewriter as I read your poetry and looked at the pictures of the typewriter itself? Ahhh...memories.
I can appreciate your current thoughts about the blogosphere. It's hard to be passionate about something when you're doing it for anyone and everyone EXCEPT yourself. I don't pretend to be an expert about anything, but one thing I am certain of: You have to write for yourself, and no one else. We all like to laugh and play the clown at times, but I hope you won't ever typecast yourself into a role that you're not comfortable with. Be who you are, that's what makes your writing worth reading. :)
The tracing is awesome.
And your feelings about blogging to please your followers is something everyone experiences, I guess. I, for one, write asinine posts because they appeal to the frivolous and horny teenage audience who read my blog.
I really enjoy reading your blog, by the way. Serious or clownish, I like them both. :D
:D
1. who is this blog for? for other people to validate you? or is it for your benefit to use as a kind of journal and to be your true self (and get feedback on that!) in the anonymity of the internet? start another blog that noone in your real life knows about.
2. stop reading ayn rand. the fountainhead and atlas shrugged are terribly written. to sum up the story: communism=bad, capitalism=good.
Charles,
I think you need to ask yourself why you blog and answer honestly. If it's to express yourself, get some catharsis, give something to the world, and you REALLY don't care what people think, then don't worry about entertaining. If, however, you blog to fill a need for acknowledgment and esteem, then you will be upset if your numbers decline.
Either way, keep up the drawing and poetry. They're good for the soul. You have a real talent. I love your poems. There are a ton of poetry blog sites where you can share if you'd rather go that route. As I was reading your last poem, I was thinking the rhythm reminded me of "We Real Cool" and then I saw your nod to it-nice.
Go ahead an be yourself. We're not judging you.
Jera is right. Tracing is a really good way to develop drawing skills. It's a stepping stone. And your tracing is very good. I wonder...did you use a tracing table or do it freehand?
There's something going around about typewriters with the men of the blogging world. What is it? The smell, the feel...you guys are all talking about it. I've never seen one in real life or used one, so I have no idea what you're talking about. I am curious about one thing: if you make a mistake how do you correct it? Do you have to start all over? That seems impractical.
And finally, I really loved your poem "State Hospital Siren." It was beautiful and it painted a picture that I could see clearly. My favorite part was, "When her face shifts shapes/ on the white washed/ therapeutically sterile walls/ and she shows me/ the deepest/ suicide inducing thinking/ I cring/ and croon for her. // I sing her son back to her:/ "embrace/ embrace/ EMBRACE/ because/ I / will never/ have better."
Very powerful moment.
I like the 26 hammers of Ragnarok.
As for your whining about being "not-you" -don't be a pussy. Either people will like it or they won't. And either way, who really gives a shit? At least you know Jera likes it.
You already know that writing profs tell you to write what you know. I think the same applies to writer/bloggers--write what you feel.
In short, fuck everyone else.
Write for you. The people who care about what you write, who enjoy reading, will stick around. So be an ass. Be a poet. Be a photographer. Be a satirist. Be an artist. Be you. We wouldn't have it any other way.
I like what you write in all your moods. You make me laugh, you touch my heart -- both prose and poetry. I have to say though that I was never so glad to see the back of any object as I was to see the back of my royal typewriter! But I can understand why there would be such an appeal for it today -- it has a certain essence and tactileness that could be very appealing in an artistic kind of way. And the poetry you write on it is just superb...
I'm not really crazy about poetry but as many have said, your blog is yours to write about whatever you want.
I've told you dozens of times how truly GIFTED you are at writing and conveying/evoking emotions. Not many can do it so flawlessly and you my friend have a gift. Just write when you feel it.
One little critique though? Why are your posts always SO LONG. I can't get through one at work and that really makes me want to kick your ass. Sort of. HUGS.
i love poetry. i won't say i love YOUR poetry, and here is why: who do you write poetry for? is it for me, or others reading it? are you writing poetry for yourself, to express something hiding inside you dying to get out, or are you writing it with the hopes that someone will offer you a book deal?
it's the same thing with the blog. it's YOURS. you don't write it to make me laugh (although seriously, i would love more photos of you in drag because you're HAWT) or to make other people laugh or whatever. you write it because it gives YOU something.
like, yeah i get a little sad when i lose a follower. i wonder what i did to make that person want to unfollow me. but then i remember that not everyone is going to like me. i don't write my blog to get tons of followers, or make money, or make friends (even though i have made some GREAT friends through it). i write it to tell my story. to get shit off my chest. sometimes it's to share stories about myself, just so one other person can say 'hey, i get the same way' and one of us can be validated.
keep writing, charles, and write whatever you want. because i'll keep reading it.
You wrote: "Being more "myself" would probably involve a lot less trying to make people laugh, and a lot more trying to make people think."
How about you do just what you did in this post ... say "fuck it!" and write whatever you want to write, regardless of whether it will make anyone else laugh or think.
Just write. You're good at it.
I don't care what Steph says. You are not HAWT. Or hot. Maybe a little bit attractive, but that's it.
Charles,
Great post as usual. And great comments -Be true to yourself. Thats a good one.
Chanel mentioned the typewriter and why? That old machine is one step on the evolutionary path of media technology. Always good to take a look back were we came from. It's fun to imagine what it was like for a journalist or business person back in the day banging away on those Royals and Smith Coronas. (Trying not to fuck up!)
My thing is Morse code keys which I use for radiotelegraphy. So I know where you are coming from. The key or the typewriter or the keyboard nowadays becomes part of you. The last component of your creative outlet.
I too liked Hammers.
Charles, you have to decide if you are seeking validation from us,your readers, through your writing OR not, and if that validation of self is what you are seeking you are right blogging may not be the best way to get it. Maybe you should look at getting into the entertainment/music industry....don't worry about talent Justin Bieber is hugely popular despite his lack thereof.
As a stranger on the internet I do appreciate your efforts to make us laugh and smile and you are quite successful in that regard!!! I do also look forward to your take on some serious topics, but don''t think that to take on serious topics you have to go all serious and preachy on us. Just take on serious topics in your fun clownish style. Be Charles, validate yourself don't ask me to.
The typewriter's is great! mainly because I am one of those who loves all those bits from the past....tracing is not something I have fond memories of as much of my teenage years were spent doing a lot of it as I have little ability to draw anything beyond stick people!!
Of the poems you have shared with us I take forward the lines "I will swing these hammers of Norse each time knowing not the sting of victory but my thrilling death...." maybe you should roll this line around in your head for awhile as you ponder your blogging.
Love the tracing!
Don't fear going deep. It feels good.
Write your blog for you and for the sole purpose of whatever it is that satisfies you. Personally I enjoy your blog because it is intelligent, well written, and generally humorous. Being able to offer those three characteristics in your blog posts requires real talent. Hugs!
For some reason we humans need or even crave validation. I read somewhere [actually I think it was on a documentary] that a mother's touch can significantly improve a baby's physical and mental development. I don't understand it myself but both make us feel good. So, understandably sometimes we go out of our way to get them.
I think we tend to seek our niche that we forget that we can be many things at one time or one thing at any other time. Maybe, this is due to our nature to simplify things; you're either funny or serious.
From what I see or read, you're both and more. You're funny, serious and insightful. And you write well, a skill I wish I had.
I also wish I had the courage to put my drawing online for everybody to see. Whoever said that drawing a person is the hardest? [This question is more directed at Amanda] I draw for fun and if I had heard that when I started, I would have lost interest [I love sketching portraits].
Anyway, too much candy can be bad for you regardless of where it came from :D.
"My greatest honor would be / for the world / to see me dying / to see me dead." That´s a great line man.
I enjoyed the post, enjoyed the melancholy tone. Nothing wrong with being in a reflective mood. Reminds me of a Japanese poem: I may live on until / I long for this time / In which I am so unhappy / And remember it fondly
Keep on writing, on the good days and bad sir, we here on the other side of the Internet appreciate it.
-Luke A.
I want to hear more of your serious side.
Amanda: You don't have to start over if you make a mistake on a typewriter. You just have to be patient enough to let the white-out dry. This is hard for me.
Lemon's: Is there an audience out there more valuable than the "horny teenage audience?" If there is, I'd like to see the stats on that demographic.
ResCogitans: This blog is clearly not for other people to "validate me." If it was, my blog would be a trite collection of pop-culture regurgitations and common psycho-sexual undertones. I do enjoy validation, though. Also: I don't think people read Ayn Rand because her prose was particularly heavenly in and of itself. I am aware of the over-arching political theme of both books (as anyone with a high school education is, thanks), but I, like thousands of others, am reading it to get the nuances of her ideas about the world, because her philosophy, believe it or not, cannot be boiled simply down to "capitalism=good."
Lola: I would share my poetry on poetry dedicated sites, but I am paranoid that someone will attribute their name to it somehow. Any specific sites I should check out?
Doug: I am going to molest you.
Broad: What year was your royal?
Annah: I am sorry it was so long. Also: thank you. Also: That's what she said.
Anonymous: I always go deep. Also: That's what she said.
What year was my Royal? Well I don't know exactly -- it was my father's and I'm pretty sure we had it all through my high school years, which was 1959-1963 -- cause I typed all my papers on it. Before that he had a Smith Corona and that was around in the late 1940's!
Your writing is beautiful. I especially loved State Hospital Siren. Please keep it up, it's simply wonderful.
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