Man Nipples: How Do They Work?!

As a man, I have often wondered: why in God's name do I have nipples?

Because... the last time I checked, the first definition offered by the dictionary (provided by Emperor Steven Jobs) is as follows:

"the small projection of a woman's or girl's breast in which the mammary ducts terminate and from which milk can be secreted."

Now correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that the words "woman" and "girl" and "milk" factor prominently in this definition.  Yet, despite my lack of woman-hood, girl-hood, or milk-secreter-hood, I happen to have exactly two nipples placed squarely on the front of my chest.

They seem to scream at the world "THIS SHIT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

After giving them a couple of squeezes, and pushing real hard, I can tell you for certain that there is no milk coming out of these things!  So what's the deal?!  How does this work?!

I did a little research, and found that other men ALSO have nipples.  I had begun to think that this was some sort of genetic anomaly.  But as you will see below, this has been happening to other male humans for years.

A gathering of devout Christian men.  They have nipples too!

I read more, and found that some men seem to think that their nipples are some kind of alternate erogenous zone.  I understand this to be true for women, and this makes sense, since women apparently have about a thousand secret erogenous zones that men are just supposed to magically figure out on their own... but come on... for guys, there's really only one.  Right?  Well... maybe two, once I'm a little older.

The point is this: I really don't get it.  I don't want to have these things twisted, pinched, flicked or clamped.  Nothing!  Frankly, I want them left totally alone.  It's a very sensitive area, and occasionally a source of pain during cardiovascular activity.  Nipple chafing caused by a sweaty t-shirt is worse than being water-boarded, as far as I am concerned.

Let's get to the facts here though.  Wikipedia has this to say about male nipples:

"From conception until sexual differentiation, all mammalian fetuses within the same species look the same, regardless of sex. In humans this lasts for around 14 weeks, after which genetically-male fetuses begin producing male hormones such as testosterone....

...Thus, because the "female template" is the default for humans, the question is not why evolution has not selected against male nipples, but why it would be advantageous to select against male nipples in the first place." 

So they're just there because there was never a reason to remove them, eh?  Well I say nuts to that.  I am sick of having to worry about purple-nurples and chafed-cardio-nipples, and I am REALLY sick of seeing guys with pierced nipples (it's more common than I ever thought).

Nature really screwed up leaving these things on my chest.  I am sick of it.  Maybe I am just an evolutionary-progressive.  Maybe I am too ahead of my time on this issue, and maybe some of you aren't going to agree with the decision I have made.  But I opted to have a little operation done.

Can you tell the difference?

The doctor must have asked me about forty times: "Mr. Emerson, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

Little did he know.  Men: this is heavenly.  You ought to look into having it done.  It only cost me around $1000 US.  

I don't know if this was too much information for you guys.  But I felt I had to share it with someone.  And, just to be clear, my rating for man nipples is:

One half of a Charles Head.  This is on a scale of zero to five.

I have only awarded man nipples a half of a Charles Head because they are a tremendous place to temporarily store dollops of whipped cream.  Otherwise, they would have received zero Heads.

So what does everyone think about man nipples and my operation?  Don't say I'm crazy.  I am sick of people tellin' me that.

Love.