In Review: Twilight (From Count Dread)

Greetings.  My name is Count Dread.  (If you chuckled at my name, please sodomize yourself.  This was a bad ass name 400 years ago.)  I am an acquaintance of Charles' and I am a real vampire.  Charles requested that I write a review of the popular shit-book "Twilight" which he would then post as a "guest blog" here at "In Review".

Before I start though, I'd like to tell you a couple of things about Charles.  This will almost certainly disqualify my review from ever actually appearing on this stupid blog anyway, but I have something I have been meaning to get off of my chest.

Charles is a prick.  All of you have been duped by this guy.  He is a liar and he doesn't care about anything except protecting his anonymity and keeping the truth about his life from coming to light.  Because the truth is that... brace yourselves... Charles is a vampire.  A fucking cold, evil, blood sucking vampire.

The only proof I have of this is this single photo of him when he came to visit my estate in Latvia two years ago.

Here he is, the smug day-walking bastard.

I don't want to get into too many details here, but let's just say that while I am pure blood vampire, Charles is a repugnant half-breed, making him capable of enduring direct sunlight.  Ever since I have started reading his "blog", I have become more and more irate about this issue.  I just thought you all should know the reason that Charles is such an inconsiderate ass-nugget: being a day-walker, he is the victim of the human urge for sex, but is not capable of achieving erection.  This is the curse of the half-breed.  They roam the earth craving blood and sex, but they can only satisfy one of those needs.  After hundreds of years, the unreleased sexual energy becomes overwhelming, and the day-walker starts writing shitty blogs with stupid Photoshopped pictures and going, otherwise, generally insane.

Fuck you Charles.  I dare you to publish this, you pussy.

Okay.  Now on to business.  I know that you are all thinking that vampires don't really exist.  I am here to tell you that we do indeed exist, and we have existed for as long as mankind has been around.  We know nearly as little as the human population does about our origins, but I will make a few things clear as I tell you what I thought about this book Twilight, which I will be using for toilet paper now that I have finished reading it.

I am not saying that the book wasn't a cute story, or whatever.  I am merely upset about how far off point the book was as far as actual vampire biology and circumstance are concerned.  Because, in reality, the vampire tales of yore are actually strikingly more accurate.

The Truth About Vampires vs Twilight's Misinformation Machine

The book centers around a "vampire" named Edward, who is, for some unknown goddamn reason, more or less a Superman figure.  He can yank massive branches free from mystically gigantic trees with a single bare hand.  He can run as fast, or faster than Superman.  He appears to be indestructible, even when struck at high speed by a moving vehicle.  

The truth about vampires is that we are weak as kittens.  Our bodies metabolize at a rate 5000 times slower than a human being's.  Essentially, this results in an atrophying of the nerves and muscles across out entire bodies.  I can't open a damn jar of imported pig's blood on my own, half the time.  I doubt if I could lift more than fifteen pounds with either arm at any given time.  And I bleed like a stuck pig even with the tiniest scratch.  Whatever Charles tells you about how much he can lift, he is lying.  The kid is a bitch and any one of you readers could kick the shit out of him without even breaking a sweat.  Twilight gets this aspect, and so many others, completely wrong.

Another big problem is the wardrobe of the vampires featured in this book.  They are described as more or less being GQ and Vogue magazine models, with their hip affluent outfits.  The truth is that I don't know one single vampire who doesn't sport a super sexy black cape.  It's absolutely necessary, because of how cool they look, and because they make it easier for us to not be burned alive by the powerful and deadly rays of the sun.  Aside from our capes, we dress pretty modestly, as most of us are too handicapped by our "condition" to be major money earners.  The estate I live in in Latvia is my only source of income, as I have used the equity from the place to invest in quite a few bonds and a select few well managed mutual funds.  I am not rich enough to dress like Edward and his kin in this book, and no vampire I know is.

This leads right into the fact that, beyond their extravagant and impractical clothing, these fictionalized monsters are, somehow, fabulously wealthy.  They drive fancy tricked-out Jeeps and Mercedes-Benzes, which they supposedly can afford from the salary of the leader of their group, a doctor who operates on humans.  This is a joke, and it spreads a dangerous fallacy about vampires.  Most of the few remaining real vampires have to use the following modes of transportation almost exclusively:

The author seems simply not to care at all for the plight of the true vampire.  The author seems to be entirely unaware of the fact that vampires are the number one minority in the world, and as such, we have been relegated to poverty and illness and pain.  The author must be some kind of maniacally cold-hearted bitch to make light of these problems or to downplay them in any way.

Other major plot holes include the fact that the main vampire takes a sexual interest in a young human girl.  This makes no sense, on a basic biological level.  We reproduce merely by infecting other human beings with our saliva or blood.  The vampire disease is not sexually transmitted.  Evolution has selected a non-sexual route of reproduction for us, and so genetically we have no need or desire to "hit skins", as some of you call it.  Although I am certain that the sequels to this book harbor many awkwardly written vampire sex scenes, I must tell you the truth: we can't bone!

Charles will never verify this for you.  Like me, he is perpetually flaccid and icy, but unlike me, he refuses to admit this.

There are a million ridiculous assertions made by this book, and I won't be able to get to them all.  Suffice it to say that Twilight gets it all wrong from page one.  Vampires can't go out in the daylight.  If we do, we become incinerated in a matter of minutes.  We don't "sparkle as if covered by millions of tiny diamonds".  Who ever heard of such malarky?  The mind boggles!  Vampires don't normally sustain themselves on human blood, because we are too weak and (in my case) too lazy to hunt out human blood.  Normally we just have jars of pig blood delivered to our houses in the dead of night.  We drink that almost exclusively.  The pigs blood does just fine, contrary to the author's tale.  We don't act like prancing fairy highschoolers when we are in fact hundreds of years old.  How fucking degrading.  We are nothing like the vampires illustrated by this pop culture phenomenon.  We are not super heroes with super powers.  We are a sad and lonely people that can turn into bats if we wish.

We don't look like this...

... we look like this...

This is a photo of me getting ready to drink the blood

of some random lady in 1933.

Overall, because I am so enraged by the terrible depiction of my kind in this tome, I am going to have to give it only one half of a coffin.  This is on a scale of zero coffins (the worst) to ten coffins (the best).

The book did receive one half of a coffin, rather than zero coffins, because I found the human girl character enduring and cute throughout the book.  

What?

I'm not made of stone.

I know Charles isn't going to publish this anyway.  He can't afford to let people know that he can't get boners or that his face isn't pasty white like that "because of a sort of anemia".  If he does post it, tell me what you think.  If he doesn't post it... again... fuck you, Charles.  You're a total asshole and I want that $2000 you owe me back immediately.

Love.