In Review: Twilight (From Charles)

So we reach the end here of our little Twilight adventure. I know some of you have been curious to see what I thought of the book. I have been having trouble deciding how to review the book, and in a way, I've been deliberating about what I really thought of it.

If you have missed the related posts here, let's review real quick:

First, I asked readers to select a book out of a list of three for me to read, by vote, here. I chose the three books (The Audactiy of Hope, Going Rogue, or Twilight) because I thought that reading any of these books would do me good. The idea here, which I try to live by, is that it is good to open oneself to those things that seem least attractive to us on occasion. Sometimes, doing this, I am proven wrong, or at least blown away by how little I actually knew about something or someone. Sometimes, I am totally reaffirmed in my preconceptions. But each and every time I branch out and try to learn or experience something of which I already have (harsh) opinions, I find myself on better ground to offer any further opinion.

Second, I announced the winner, here. The winner, by a healthy margin, was the book Twilight. Twilight, specifically, was on the list because I had an inkling that the book (and the associated pop-culture phenomenon) was more or less a load of horse-shit. My preconceptions about the book were that it would be completely juvenile, poorly constructed, pandering to the lowest common denominator of the female teenage demographic, and that I would be totally disgusted that such an overwhelming popularity had grown around such a shit book. I figured that it would be full of thinly veiled sexual innuendo and that the book would have a message of conformity to the status quo as far as gender roles and sexuality go in middle America. I assumed that it would be the kind of smut an evangelical Christian pastor might let his daughter read.

Third, we heard from a real life vampire, named Count Dread, on the topic. His guest blog can be read here. Count Dread is an acquaintance of mine, but as you could tell from his op-ed piece, he and I have a few differences that we haven't completely worked out between us. Some of you voiced that you would like to see Dread return later for more pieces, and he expressed to me privately an interest in doing just that. Some of you were downright valiant in your defense of me in the comments section on Dread's post, which I really appreciated. You guys are my vampire hunting heros. I don't need to say much else except that, again, I am not a vampire, and that Count Dread is a little sissy bastard child, and that he can blow a giraffe, for all I care. Count Dread: I don't owe you shit, you accent talking, Halloween dressing pale piss-ant.

Fourth, and most recently, a girl named Julia reviewed the book for us, here. Julia is fifteen years old, and attends a high school in the same town where I currently live. It took me about three hours to edit Julia's blog post, but I left in a lot of her quaint mis-spellings and whatnot because I felt that they really helped reflect the kind of education kids are getting these days in America (the bureaucracy really does work! *rolls eyes*). Julia loved Twilight, and among other things, neon colors and skinny jeans. There was a mixed response to Julia's post. Most of you guys found it funny, which I was glad about. For the record: I like the band Muse. As you can see below, I have them on my phone's playlist. 

Furthermore, Julia is more of an individual than she might give herself credit for, as she clearly represents a hodge-podge of cultural memes, as opposed to just one. As some of you pointed out, she may not be as “scene” or “emo” as she might be telling herself. Julia accepts that fact, and said that she would “try harder”. I believe some of you expressed interest in hearing from Julia again, and that may also be a possibility.

After the guests posts, I skipped a day to think about what I wanted to say about Twilight. To think about what my real feelings are on the book. 

Yeah... this is about right.

At long last, here they are.

I don't want to disappoint any of you by not totally tearing this book apart in proper comic fashion, but more important here is the truth. The book isn't horrible. I have read worse. It didn't make me cry tears of excruciating pain, as predicted. It was not the most eloquently written thing I have ever read, and as some have pointed out, it gets a little repetitive at times. But the plot was relatively unpredictable, and the story was easy to follow. It was just interesting enough to compel me to the end of the book.

The compulsion to finish the book was to see what was finally going to happen with this “Edward” character. My interest in the main character, “Bella Swan” was overshadowed by my curiosity about what kind of amazing feats Edward might perform in the heat of battle. The story was set up perfectly for some all out carnage, with buildings getting knocked down and cars getting blown up. Edward's investment in Bella was clearly so deep that he would certainly kill or maim anyone that got between them. But alas, the book errs on the side of romance, and the climax, while somewhat exciting, left a lot to be desired. No buildings fell down.

This would have been a proper ending to this book.

Ultimately, I prefer action when vampires are involved.  I prefer this style of vampire, I guess:

Not that this is much better... but the action scenes were good.

As a lot of you guys pointed out, Bella is probably not the best role model for a young girl. She is set up at the beginning of the book as being self assured and able to take care of herself, but the author quickly abandons this concept for her character, and turns her into a helpless sack of meat who is hopelessly in love and ready to sacrifice anything for her cold blooded hero. While I do find the character antithetical to what I might want my hypothetical daughter to use as a role model, Bella is a far cry from the “Jersey Girls” or the latest harlot fare depicted on any number of reality TV shows. At least she doesn't represent the hooker-chic that so many other females in mass-media do today. I suppose it's give and take in this realm.

Some fictional female role models, displayed mathematically.

I anticipated this book sucking so much harder than it did because I tend to be grossed out by things that become very popular with the broader population (especially with regards to media that become popular with the youth). I don't know why that is, but I find it useful to inoculate myself with pieces of that cultural stew now and again, for perspective.

I am giving the book a rating of three Charles heads. As per usual, this is out of a maximum possible five Charles heads.

I will say this: the fact that this book was the beginning of a multi-million dollar franchise that has (apparently) sucked in just about every girl in America is still alarming to me. I find it most disturbing that the books, as far as I can tell, have taken a back seat to the movies. I have not seen the movies, and don't know that I will. The book, of itself, although not perfect in a literary sense, represents something great: the fact that kids can be compelled to turn off their Xboxes and read a book now and again. As usual, though, Hollywood seems to have ruined that, and I wonder how many kids are just watching the movie instead of reading the book.

It is disturbing how quickly the Hollywood media machine can drive a spike like Twilight into the consciousness of millions of people. It could be argued that the book has value, both as a story and as a tool to help encourage children to value literacy more. Hollywood, as a gigantic organism, fears literacy. Hollywood stomps out literacy. Our place is in the theater or in front of our fucking televisions. Books offer knowledge that they don't control, and I believe that as Hollywood has evolved, it has realized it's greatest defense mechanism: control of information.

Encourage a kid to read this book. Encourage them to read any book. And if you have seen the movie and liked it, why not give the book a try? You might, like me, find it a lot harder to bag on Twilight if you check it out.  Or perhaps your worst predictions will be confirmed and then at least you will have a leg to stand on when ridiculing Twilight fans

The fans of Twilight are still fair game though. Skinny jeans and stupid hair included. Get with the program people! Button up shirts with long sleeves, collars popped, and chest exposed, is the ONLY way to go.  And jeans that don't force your balls to recede into your abdomen from whence they came.

Go ahead.  Take a shot.  I know I deserve it.

What do those of you who have read the book think about it? Are you all completely disappointed in my review? Have you enjoyed this little series of blog posts? Let me know.


Oh.  And one more tiny thing:


...


...I don't care what the fuck happens... there is no possible plot twist that could land me on "Team Jacob".  Screw Jacob.  Go "Team Edward"...


... I feel so dirty.  

Love.