Having the Best Day Ever:
A How To Guide
There is a lot of wisdom my father has passed down to me throughout the years. One bit, in particular, is this method I have for having the "best day ever". Dad, if you are reading, thank you. Thanks also to follower "Micael" who inspired this post with a couple of related tweets a couple days ago.
In a word: Yoda Balls. You men know what I am talking about. Yoda balls is the condition of having an excess of heat and moisture in your "private" area, which leads to torturous maladies such as: Yoda Stink, Yoda Itch, and the ever troublesome Yoda Sticks to the Side of my Legs While I'm Walking Around.
You know what I mean, right guys?
Yoda Balls are named as such because they are hot and gunked up with swamp crap. They are steamy and dirty, and they smell like Dagobah.
They are unpleasant for a guy. It weighs a man down, psychologically, to know that he has no control over the odor, position, or general comfort of his "Yoda Balls", because they are so sticky they might be climbing their way around his leg to his buttocks, or tryin' to stretch their way down to the floor, at any given time. It's disgusting and it makes for a terrible day.
Guys: it doesn't have to be this way. Here's the solution:
Step One: Hot Soapy Morning Shower
Step one is arguably the most important. What you are going to want to do is to get the area in question as clean as possible in water that is as hot as possible. Not so hot that you end up in the ER. Just hot enough to really get those pores exfoliating a little bit. As far as soap goes, I recommend the following:
Yes, Olay Bar Soap is LITERALLY what I use.
It will leave you feeling dry and clean and smooth. Everywhere.
Step Two: Blow Dry Your Testicles
Yes. You read right. You must use one of these...
...to do this...
Be sure to get those bad boys real dry, but don't hold them too close to the dryer or you can certainly end up scalding yourself.
Step Three: Baby Powder
Once you have your Yoda Area totally totally dry, like the sand dunes of Tatooine, where Luke encountered two lost droids and learned of the plight of a young Princess and.... shoot, sorry, I get off track easily.
Once you have your area totally dry, you need to get a container of the following:
Any old baby powder will do, although I enjoy the kind infused with aloe, as you can see above. A good rule of thumb on products that you are going to be putting on male genitalia: "if it can go on little babies' butts, it can go on your nuts."
Put a liberal amount of the powder into one of your hands as shown.
You may need more, but start out with this amount.
Now take your powder and gently dab it all over the Yoda area. On the front. The back. The bottom. The sides. I even like to get a little on the very top of the inner thigh to maximize dryness and minimize sack chafing.
It may take quite a bit, but that powder is now your greatest defense against sweat and moisture buildup. Sweat and moisture mean dirt and chafing. Itching and scratching. Then we're back on Dagobah with Yoda right where we started and that's the last thing we want. So use enough, 'gents.
WARNING: Do not do this step after putting on pants, or any other clothes. Your clothes will look like you just lost a fight with a bunch of bread-bakers. The flourery look is not "in".
Step Four: Enjoy The Best Day Ever
So that's it. If you have completed this easy process, you will be on your way to having a really great day. I mean really great. You will be more confident. You will smell better. You will be able to run, unhindered. You will appear less fidgety, and you will have to stuff your hands down the front of your pants a lot less.
You have successfully transformed your Yoda Balls into Wampa Balls.
A friendly Wampa on Hoth
Wampa Balls, like the Wampa's home planet, Hoth, are cool, dry, and confident. Of course, there's the added benefit that Yoda Balls are tiny, wrinkly, and nearly hairless, while Wampa Balls are epically huge and furry.
Conclusion: Wampa Balls = Good
Trust me, guys. You want to have Wampa Balls. And the ladies want it too. What are you waiting for? Go hop in the shower! And please, to all of you, even the ladies, let me know what you think about my simple process here.