Thing I Love #1

Thing I Freakin' Love #1: Adult Wet Wipes

First and foremost, before I get into too much trouble here, let me tell you all that this list, which we are concluding today, is definitely not a list of the "top things I love".  It's just a list of "five random things I love, numerically ordered based on pretty much nothing".  

Were this a "top things I love list", I would have replaced them as follows:

#5 Good Hip Hop is replaced by: the iPhone4

#4 Craigslist Best Of is replaced by: the 12 Steps

#3 Huge Sandwiches are replaced by: my awesome friends 

#2 Being a Blog of Note is replaced by: my unbeatable family

and...

#1 Adult Wet Wipes are replaced by: my girlfriend Jera

'Cause if you look to the left, you will see that she is the clear winner...  if not, I receive no more sex (I've been told).

It has been an awesome week here, and I am glad to have all the new followers.  I have had great fun with the list of things I love, and I have had not so much fun trying to keep my swearing to a minimum (it fuckin' sucks!)  But enough of that.  Let's get to the meat of this thing.

I have decided to spin you a tale of a little thing I use in my (usually) everyday adventures.  A product that truly symbolizes how far we have come as a race.  A product that indicates that we have transcended what people traditionally referred to as "civilization", rising rather into an era of "post-civilization", where people live in a kind of luxury that was never imagined, even by the most daring and expansive minds in history.

Any of my long time readers (all two of you) will recall that early on, I wrote a review about the toilet here in the new apartment.  The toilet got generally good reviews, and has stood the test of time thus far. It never clogs up.  It's relatively resistant to staining, and the tank refills at a reasonable rate.  You can read that original post here, but you don't really have to.  The thought from that blog most pertinent here was the following:

The last thing I would like to mention is that I am in the market for one of those machines that they use at Qdoba to heat up and steam the tortillas at the beginning of the prep line. My plan is to mount it to the wall in front of the toilet, and provide a rack of bleached clean washclothes next to the steam machine. When we are ready to begin wiping procedures, we will have the fine luxury of a hot steamed washcloth, as opposed to that horrid toilet paper that everyone else is still using.

I mean.... paper...?!?! Really?! We are still destroying the environment and chafing our precious anuses in this barbaric way in 2010? Are we animals?

What I was imagining there was something like the following:

This would be a million dollar idea... if I knew where the used towels were going.

I stand by the comments I made that day, but I have to confess that I misled you all a little bit by failing to mention that I had found, some time ago, a solution that is midway between my awesome Qdoba hot towel idea, and the gritty terrible toilet paper that people have been using since god-knows-when.

The solution is a variety of products I call "wet ones".

There are several companies manufacturing these bad boys, including Scott, Charmin, and Cottonelle.  The ones currently sitting on top of my toilet are of the "Charmin" vein (pictured above).  That's right ladies and gentlemen.  These are soft moist towelettes for YOUR sweet cheeks.  Yes, they have baby wipes for your dried, chapped and sensitive butts.  No longer do we have to suffer, seeing babies get the very best of what mankind has to offer while we wrestle with the physical and psychological pain associated with daily anal sand-paperings.  I don't know how the babies were able to dupe us for so long, keeping wet ones to themselves, but the jig is up on this one.  We have entered a new time, and I will never be fooled by a baby again.

I don't recall exactly when I made the switch to moist butt-wipes, but I know that it changed my life forever.  No longer do I struggle with any of the following:

Desert Crack

Itchy Hole Syndrome

Have-To-Wipe-Again-Later Disease

Wonder-If-I-Got-It-All Anxiety

Wishing-I-Felt-Cooler-and-Fresher Depression

Writing Blogs Containing Way Too Much Personal Information

I know this sounds really gross, and it probably sounds like I'm again just stooping over to the lowest common denominator in a vain attempt to make people laugh, but that's really not it.  I am being completely serious with you when I say that if you have not tried these fully flushable wet wipes, you OWE it to yourself to go to your local market and pick some up IMMEDIATELY.  Do not wait.  This will change your life.  

I have reduced expenses related to laundry washing by 20% and I have reduced time spent in the bathroom by a whopping 25% with these things.  When I used to have to sit endlessly counting out toilet paper squares, four for each wipe, and folding them into a 4-thick square (this proper technique illustrated below), now I am in and out of the bathroom in the same amount of time it takes me to check my e-mail (because, as mentioned yesterday, I check my e-mail during this whole process).

There have been so many pivotal moments in my life.  My first day of kindergarten.  The day I started college. The day a few weeks later when I realized that I had been arrested almost as many times as I had made it to class on time during that first semester of college and decided to call it quits.  The day I saw my first episode of the "Simpsons".  And the fateful day when I discovered the soothing and emotionally uplifting feeling of a moist, aloe infused, strong and soft baby wipe made for adults.

I have never met a single person who has tried these things and not loved them.  They are the best.  I refuse to poop anywhere where I don't have immediate access to some manifestation of this product.

"Adult Wet Wipes" receive five out of five Charles Heads.  Congrats to the fine men and women of Charmin, Scott, and Cottonelle for being the first to garner the prestigious Five Head Rating (not to be confused the Reese Witherspoon's "Fivehead" rating... yuk yuk).

And that wraps things up.  Tomorrow is "Photo De La Semaine" day, so we will have a new photograph posted up.  And then, if I still have any readers after telling you all about what I use to wipe with, I promise to write something with a little more substance on Sunday.  I hope you all have enjoyed the series of "Things I Fuckin' Love".  What was your favorite part?  If you are new here, what would you like to see out of my blog?  And do you have any experience with adult wet wipes?  Let me know.

Ever expanding love.