Well, that time my plan was pretty half baked. I didn't get very far, and I don't think my heart was really in it. I write this blog now having not had a cigarette for a full 37 hours and counting. The cilia in my lungs and trachea are starting to work again, moving horrible things upward from the bowls of my mucus and blood and tar filled air sacks. I am extremely hungry. My cardio in the gym went way better today than usual. And, of course, I am pissed the fuck off! At everything. I want to choke the life out of SOMETHING.
Instead, I'll just write this blog: five things I hate (even more than usual) when I am not smoking.
Thing I Fucking Hate #1: Switzerland's Law Against Islamic Minarets
In November of 2009, you might recall Switzerland amending their constitution such that it is now illegal for Islamic practitioners to erect new minarets in that country. Minarets are the tall tower things you see in a lot of Muslim architecture. (See Left)
I hate this shit because I can't stand the anti-Islamic sentiment being put out by the goddamn socialist paradise that is Europe. It's straight up hypocritical, and it's not just the Swiss. Switzerland in particular though is practically a welfare state, and while they have brought us great contributions to the world of software and media piracy, and also been a huge stimulus to organized criminals needing fancy sounding banks world wide, they are clearly still a country that has the propensity for ignorance and bigotry, despite their acting snooty and uppity about how "progressive" they are. (I have spoken to Swiss folks both online and in person. Trust me. Snooty.)
I think that maybe if they were trying to bridge the gap between the west and the mid-east, in an effort to curb radical violence, they might want to do it by being MORE open minded to the influx of Islamic immigrants there, not by being exponentially more closed minded and hateful than they have been.
I don't like the idea of any country stopping people from worshipping in whatever faith they choose by methods that are within reason. The rest of the world is supposed to be able to look up to Europe and America in particular when it comes to things like freedom of religion, etc. Especially since that's what we supposedly are trying to impose on other countries constantly with our brute military force. So please, Switzerland, sit on a minaret for me.
Thing I Fucking Hate #2: From Paris With Love
This movie is total crap.
I had some people recommend it to me. Since I don't watch TV, I had never seen a preview for it. Perhaps if I had seen the trailer for this crap film, I would have been able to avoid wasting two hours (or however long it was) of my life.
John Travolta: You scientologist idiot, kiss my ass.
Other Guy Who Starred in the Movie: Kiss John Travolta's scientologist ass, you terrible terrible actor-man.
Seriously, it is almost NEVER that I feel like turning a movie off half way through. But me and ol' girl almost turned it off half way through. We probably should have. The entire shitty plot line was predictable from the beginning. But we felt like we had already kind of sold our souls to the devil by even getting half way through it, so we forced ourselves to watch the rest. I would have rather been watching "So You Think You Can Dance".
Ok... I'm just kidding about that last part. I'd rather die than watch another full episode of "So You Think You Can Dance".
The acting, plot, and dialog all sucked. The effects were nothing to write home about. And the movie is set in some alternate universe in which one single little bump of cocaine can make someone have some kind of interpersonal hallucinogenic break-down twenty minutes later. Fucking asinine. As an alternative to watching this movie, I recommend putting your hand on a hot stove for as long as you can without passing out.
Thing I Fucking Hate #3: My Pee Stream
My pee comes out in like, many different directions. Not all the time... but a non-random percentage of the time. I am jealous of men whose pee comes out in a direct single stream, like a damn laser beam.
I am sorry, but we can't all have technologically perfected bionic dicks! Damnit!
My pee coming out in a lot of directions reminds me of that scene in "Me, Myself and Irene" in which his pee comes out all OVER the place because he was recently copulating. He (Jim Carrey) ends up wrapping himself up in the shower curtain to stem the unruly tide of urine. It's like that for me, only I don't have to copulate or do anything weird in order for this to occur.
Pee=all over the place!
I don't mind it in public restrooms, cause I don't have to clean it. But in my bathroom, I have to kind of hunch down awkwardly, spreading my legs far apart to try to get closer to the toilet bowl so that less of my urine gets on my legs, the floor, the ceiling, or my cat.
Sometimes I give up and just sit to pee. This does not make me feminine or gay (not that there's anything wrong with either of those things). This makes me a realist and a problem solver. This makes me a brave brave man. Like Braveheart. Or that guy from the Superman comics... Clark something.....?
Thing I Fucking Hate #4: Tea Party People Identifying As "Libertarian"
The new Gallup numbers (which you probably have seen, unless you watch "So You Think You Can Dance"), indicate that at least seven out of every ten Tea Partiers considers themselves also Republican.
We should all just be honest about this Republican astro-turfing. I mean, sure its cute, and it gives old bastards (like those displayed above) a chance to get out of the senior living center, but PLEASE, you are shitting on Libertarians everywhere by saying that shit. You are not Libertarians. You still believe in bigotry as a form of government. You still believe in spending bazillions of dollars on ridiculous global-dominance militarism. You still want to subsidize the richest portions of industry and commerce to line your own fucking pockets which simultaneously takes the leg out from under the free-market economy (Obama will take the other leg out. He's just about got it.)
I don't dislike you any more than I dislike anyone else right now, except that you call yourselves, occasionally, Libertarians. Knock it off, or I will start smoking again just so I can put cigarettes out in your eyes.
Thing I Fucking Hate #5: Emo People
here, but allow me to tell you all again, in case you have forgotten: emo people suck, and they represent the slowing down and eventual reversal of Darwinian evolutionary action in the human species.
Emo people: the only thing you are good for is making EVERYONE else look better. If we would have had emo kids in school when I was a sophomore, even I would have been cool by comparison. And I was NOT cool.
News Flash: you are being sold your little image by stores like Hot Topic and by huge record companies that had to figure out a new way to sell some new shit to a new generation of fucking wallets and purses that don't want to "conform". You are not unique. You are conforming. You are kissing the ass of every sweatshop-running-corporate-giant-enemy-of-culture out there. You are sheep like the rest of us. The only problem is that you dress like you belong to the opposite sex, yet you don't appear to be sexually motivated at all. Only people involved in some horrible depravity should be allowed to dress like you do in public. It is a signal for the rest of us, saying that if we want some sick horrible icky kink in our lives, we should go to you. Is that what you want?
Time was, when kids felt all sad and shit like you apparently do, they would either do drugs, succeed in school, have sex, or kill themselves.
Why do we have to rock the fucking boat? Go with the flow! Email me and I will send you a razor blade. Free of charge.
I really want a cigarette, but I promised Jera that I wouldn't smoke one for a full 72 hours. It has brought out the worst in me, but I hope you enjoyed getting a taste of that. If you didn't enjoy it... just give me another fuckin' 36 hours and I will be back to my normal happy funny constructive self, because at that point I will be over the physical withdrawal from the nicotine, and much less irritable. Until then: I'll send you a razor blade. Free of charge. (kidding).
Thanks for reading. Love to all. (seriously).