Can We Get Civil Here?!

A couple of things have come to my attention over the last couple of weeks, in the midst of President Obama's nomination of Solicitor General Elena Kagan to an open post in the highest court of the land.  That's right... the supreme one.

Now I have heard a lot of bickering back and fourth.  People say that she doesn't have a track record that is well enough defined for the approval committe to make a decision about her.  People say that she is a lesbian (because there was a photo of her playing softball at some point, which leads me to wonder what people would say if the photos of me performing on broadway would be? Eek! I'm not gay.  Pinky swear!)  People say that she is a "progressive" and an "activist" and would judge as such.  During her approval hearings she claimed not to know what "progressive" even meant.

Which lead me to the truth.  I thought: "oh, this poor lady.  Here I was thinking that she was just another of Obama's Chicago cronies, when in fact, she is a woman with severe mental and vividly apparent physical handicaps."

Because claiming not to know what they meant when they asked her about her "progressive" leanings could only indicate mental defect and little else.

I applaud Obama for nominating someone who is so severely handicapped.  Let this be a lesson to any American who is a little "slower" or who can't clearly and succinctly identify themselves as either being, or NOT being, "progressive", that you CAN do anything you set your mind to.  This is an America where dreams CAN come true and where they DO come true.

Obama and Biden give Kagan the 

encouragement she so dearly needs.

I was even more convinced when I heard her explaining that her political viewpoints were not even pertinent information regarding the issue at hand, because the job of a judge is to interpret the letter of the law.  She's so CUTE!  That senator Sessions is such a bully for asking her those questions, foolishly thinking that "interpretation of the law" might be something that, by it's very nature, is somewhat subjective, and has historically proven to be so with nearly any Supreme Court Justice you can name.

What a DICK that guy was.  Oh well, I was still behind our disabled friend all the way.  Then I recalled something.  Something TERRIBLE....

Have you ever seen the "Goonies"?  It was a silly movie from the 80's (pretty much everything from the 80's was silly), and it centered around the story of some kids who meet some big freak of nature called "Sloth" (pictured below).

Remembering Sloth, I suddenly remember why Kagan looked so damn familiar to me.  Immediately I was outraged.

It would appear as though the producers of the movie the "Goonies" somehow mastered time travel and came here to 2010 in order to find someone to make fun of in their movie.  Then, having found Kagan, ever vulnerable, they went BACK to the 80's in order to directly mock her with the "Sloth" character from the movie.  Those BASTARDS!  How could they be so cruel?!?  I mean, the resemblance is DEFINITELY there, but they clearly took a lot of time to really exaggerate Kagan's homely features on their movie character.  This is just cruel.  If you don't buy this, the following picture might help:

(The Woman LOVES Baby Ruth)

Obama should set up a special research group (as long as we're just throwing government money out the window left and right) to develop time travel so that we can go back to the 80's and teach the makers of the Goonies a hard lesson about what it means to be KIND to people that are DIFFERENT from you.

While we are there, there's about three dozen popular music acts that we need to assassinate.

Again, though, three cheers for Kagan for getting as far as she has in life.  Maybe someday she will have developed enough to have the balls to identify simply and clearly as what she is, and instead of hiding them, to be PROUD of and UP FRONT about her political views and of her track record, no matter what they may be.  But, how can we expect someone as slow as her to learn that when no one else in DC has it even close either?

But please, dear reader, tell me if I am wrong.  Can you see the resemblance between Sloth and Kagan?  Maybe if she stood up and shouted "HEY YOU GUUUUUYS" during her first day on the bench, that would solidify it...?