In Review: My First Pedicure

Today, I got my first pedicure.

I went up to Greeley to help my mom clean the rain gutters on her roof, and she informed me that she also had to go get a pedicure, and since that's where she was going, I ended up going too.

Normally, I think of men who get pedicures as either super rich and privileged, or... you know... of an alternative lifestyle. I know I shouldn't make assumptions about huge groups of people that way, but there you have it.

So I go in there and I am instructed to sit down on this big massaging chair thing with this huge remote control attached to it. With the remote, you control the angle at which the chair sits, how far or near the chair sits to the pool of water, and how it massages your back. I went through a bunch of the options before I settled on a gentle lower back loosening program (some of them were “programs”, some just manual settings). In front of this chair, as I mentioned, is some water. It's like a little jacuzzi for your feet. The water was piping hot, and there were little jets that massaged my little toes while I sat there and waited for the next employee to finish with a customer and move over to my feet. I was, needless to say, the only guy there.

My mother sat in the seat next to me and she appeared very relaxed. I was terrified. I was terrified of two things: being tickled (I have very ticklish feet) and being hurt when they sliced chunks of dead skin off the area surrounding my toe nails. I voiced my concern to my mother several times, but she just seemed like she wanted me to shut up and let her relax.

So anyway, the girl gets over to my feet promptly and starts the process. It was very involved, and she seemed very professional. There was no chit chat like at the barber-shop, but I am willing to bet that that is because the employee didn't know much of my native tongue.

Was it rude to take this picture

of the girl working on my feet?

She used some kind of cuticle pushing thing to push my cuticles back (go figure). Then she used some kind of mean looking cutting device to start clipping all that cuticle stuff and extra skin away. I was fascinated at how quickly she did it without hurting me even once. I was certain that at some point I would feel some kind of pinch at least, but I didn't. I kept laughing awkwardly and looking over at my mom, who was in a trance. Mom looked like she had had lost a few rounds with a bottle of morphine. The person working on her feet was a kung fu guy of some kind. I think I saw him in “Ninja Assassin” (if you want to see a stupid movie, try Ninja Assassin).

After she was done clipping all that gross stuff off my toes, she put some kind of yellow stuff that looked like olive oil on them. Then she got this porous bar thing and put some special grainy lotion on it and grabbed my foot and started scrubbing it. Not really hard (not as hard as I had anticipated) but hard enough to make me almost reflexively kick this lady in the face because it tickled so much. She kept laughing and giggling at me 'cause I was so ticklish. I hope she understands that only manly men get tickled when they get a pedicure. I'm not a pussy.

So she scrubbed my feet down and then rinsed them all off and then came the leg and foot massage (with lotion). I didn't know that this was part of it. It was a very gentle massage, but the way this lady was massaging my feet was alarmingly erotic. I felt like telling her “hey hey... I have a girlfriend, so settle down”, but I had seen her massaging the last person's feet in the same way so I knew that she wasn't trying to pull anything crazy. She did this little downward snapping thing on my toenails, which I saw the kung fu master do on my mom's toes too. It felt cool, but I wanted to inquire about it's purpose. Alas, there was the language barrier.

Anyway, when all was said and done, my feet felt AWESOME and they still do several hours later. I would say that I would definitely return to this establishment for another pedicure, if I ever come into money or... an “alternative lifestyle”. Or if I ever help my mom spray out the rain gutters again.

A couple more things to note: I saw them using a type of razor blade tool to scrape payloads of dead callus skin off another individual's soggy feet. This was really gross to me, but I couldn't help but feel jealous in a way. I wished I had some calluses for them to shave off. That was really gross. And I am wondering why they wear little surgeon's masks while they do their job? I imagine that sometimes calluses are so bad that they have to use and industrial belt sander to get through the first couple of inches, and maybe that toxic foot dust is not the kind of thing you want in your mouth. Or maybe they had SARS.

One more thing: why is this a job that (seemingly) only Asian people do? I find that cultural dynamic fascinating and baffling.

The place (I think) was “Natural Nails” ‎at 2146 35th Avenue in Greeley. It's right next to Eileen's Cookies (the best cookie shop ever). If you need a foot treatment, I would advise starting here.

Thanks, Mom. Anyone else out there have experience with pedicures or kung fu assassins?