*loud applause is heard from god-knows-where*
I just thought I would take the time to let you all know that the new toilet at the apartment meets almost all of my standards for toilet adequacy. Let me give you the run down on this bad machine. First, some stats:
The toilet appears to be a 2002 model. It's manufactured By “Crane Plumbing”, and comes with the OEM “Crane Plumbing” flush lever. The body of the toilet itself is of a vibrant snow-white hue and seats one comfortably (we have yet to try seating the both of us on there, but as you can see in the picture below, it would probably be a squeeze).
As per usual with the fine people at Crane, we have no blatantly displayed information denoting “Gallons Per Flush” of water, but we can rest assured that these upstanding and socially conscious toilet manufacturers have provided us with a toilet that will not only carry our waste away without worry, but conserve fresh water resources for generations to come. We also do not have any exact statistics on “Excrement Flushing Capacity”, but let me tell you that after thorough testing, Jera and I can only sit in humbled awe at what this tough plumbing apparatus can take down. (A note of thanks to Illegal Pete's Burritos in Boulder for help with this extensive testing.)
Okay, so enough with statistics. Let's get down to the review here. First, the good. As mentioned before, this thing could (apparently) sink the Bismark, which will be very important to me in the coming year. Second, the bowl and seat are of optimal size both for sitting and for aiming into from a standing position. The water housing unit on top doesn't take too long to refill and does it relatively quietly (unlike that generic brand toilet I had at the last apartment, which seemed like it ran for five minutes as loud as was freakin' possible in order to refill). The toilet gets an extra point for being placed inset into the bathroom in it's own little nook, making for a cozy, homey experience there, whatever that experience might entail.
Now the bad. Despite optimal seat size, the seat does seem to wiggle a little bit. I have seen this before with these old '02's, and it was almost to be expected, but a true toilet connoisseur would have taken extra care of this seat in the past, stopping this problem from happening in the first place. We plan on posting a “standards of operation” poster near the toilet paper which will remind guests not to be jostling to a fro too much while using the throne, and to lean over only the slightest amount during wiping maneuvers, so as to reduce any further damage to the seat hinges.
Another place the toilet loses points is it's being to deep. Although the bowl has optimal radius, as mention before, it's depth is such that it can make even the biggest of movements seem tiny, like those of a little girl. I prefer a shallow toilet that keeps a slightly lower than average standing water level, which causes average size movements to appear large, and large movements to appear behemoth. Again, this is not necessarily a functionality problem, and it is something I will just have to learn to live with.
The last thing I would like to mention is that I am in the market for one of those machines that they use at Qdoba to heat up and steam the tortillas at the beginning of the prep line. My plan is to mount it to the wall in front of the toilet, and provide a rack of bleached clean washclothes next to the steam machine. When we are ready to begin wiping procedures, we will have the fine luxury of a hot steamed washcloth, as opposed to that horrid toilet paper that everyone else is still using.
I mean.... paper...?!?! Really?! We are still destroying the environment and chafing our precious anuses in this barbaric way in 2010? Are we animals?
Thank you for reading. Please write in with your own personal experience with the 2002 Crane model's, or with any other toilets of note..... or if you work at a Qdoba and wanna make an easy $100.
13 comments:
How is the height? It is very important to me that the toilet is not so tall that my feet are swinging like a bored school girl, but I don't want to be so low to the ground that I feel like I'm shitting in a hole.
I am a proud owner of a 2008 Kohler, 1.6 gal/flush (it packs a punch). I went with a wooden seat, they don't get as cold in the winter, I find a cold seat can really hinder my experience.
My Toilet seat at it's lowest top-surface point is 15.5 inches off of the floor, allowing for optimal seating for a man of my stature, although someone significantly taller might struggle with the "knees-in-the-air-while-shitting" syndrome.
The '08 Kohler's are very nice, my friend. Congrats on that. But allow me to tell you why I don't use a wooden seat:
My mother has a toilet with a wooden seat that has developed a small crack in it right under the spot where a pair of testicles might end up resting during an involved wiping procedure. The crack is barely visible to the eye, but when one sits down on the toilet, the weight on either side of the seat cause the crack to widen slightly. When you stand back up, the crack tightens.
Let me just say that it is a very uncomfortable feeling to stand up, and have your scrotum pinched and nearly torn off by a defective toilet seat. I know that this scenario is a one in a million shot, even for wooden seats, but i'm just not willing to take that risk anymore.
also: i was almost late to work for lack of being able to find my tape measure to give you an accurate measurement of my toilet seat's height. See how much i care?!?
I'm not sure if you have an over involved wiping procedure or if you just have massive balls (the kind you need to carry around in a wheelbarrow) but I don't think my balls ever touch the seat, wiping or not. Sometimes if the bowl is too small my dick will rub up against it, but never my balls...
Here's the deal on that: i can't STAND my wang touching the inside of the bowl. I eliminate this risk by placing everything outside of the bowl (on the seat) before i commence with the wiping. Eccentric, i know, but it's worth it to not have other's urine and whatnot on the tip of my junk piece. and i do have massive balls.
I'm going to have to say that that is an OVERLY involved wiping procedure. What do you do with your junk before wiping, while pooping? ...I've become very invested in you deification process.
deification? when did this become a discussion about religion?
The junk is held safely in place by pushing it down beneath and between the legs, and during the entire rest of the first part of the procedure, they are held away from the bowl by my legs and by taking a sitting position that favors the back portion of the seat....
Pleased to note: i know a guy who stands almost all the way up for the wipe, as opposed to just leaning over to the side to allow access to the soiled area.
I'm really glad I know everything about how you poop and wipe, Charles. I'm sure it will come in handy someday....
Anyway, I am pretty happy with the toilet myself. I feel that it really steps up to par in meeting all my bodily needs and requirements. There are very specific guidelines that are taken into account when finding comfort in relieving yourself, especially in your own home. The only thing about this toilet is that it can tend to be fairly loud, at least with the peeing situation. Otherwise, I like it and have no further complaints.
sometimes i hum loudly while peeing to cover up the noise. and i dont see how you knowing about my bathroom routine will ever come in handy
Oh my God, is she wearing one of those dental assistant coats. That shit is hot.
i know right? Sometimes i also make her dress up as a yoga teacher.
Both you and Jera each as individuals have a great sense of humor but together---you're hilarious!
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